How can I sort out my head?
We all have problems! Conflict, confusion and mental pain is a normal part of our human experience but sometimes we find it overwhelming, even crippling. Not getting on with our family perhaps, feeling depressed, lonely, sexual worries, problems with relationships, feeling anxious about the future or just plain unhappy and not really sure why.It helps to talk to someone who can help us try and understand where these feelings come from. Some of us do this with family members or special friends, others feel better talking to someone outside the rest of their life who neither judges nor offers advice. Bottled up feelings such as anger, anxiety, grief, embarrassment and shame become very intense and stop us from growing, moving on, getting on with our lives, plans, ambitions, often without our being aware of what is going on.
How did this happen?
From the moment we are born we start collecting painful experiences. Our families are not perfect, no one’s is and parenting is a ‘learn as you go’ kind of task, so we have to manage the mistakes they make along the way. As children we had no power or control and no choice but to begin to learn about life from our immediate environment.
Some of us find the world to be basically good and a sense of being valued and loved just for who we are. We have a secure place within our family and we have confidence and trust in those who take care of us. We grow up to be confident about ourselves have good self esteem and are excited and curious about life, the world and our place in it. The bad more painful experiences of our childhood get overlaid by a bigger experience of something ‘good enough’ causing us to decide that the world is generally a good place.
Others of us find a different world, one where we feel personally responsible for all the bad things that happen. Where we hate everything about ourselves and feel worthless, unloved and unimportant. We believe that nothing and no one can be trusted or relied upon and survival is about not needing or relying on anyone else but ourselves. Because we can’t cope with feeling so bad about ourselves all the time we find ways to cover it up by presenting a ‘mask’ to the world which hides all of the negative views we have of ourselves often pretending it isn’t there. For some of us this takes so much of our energy that we can get 'stuck', unable to move forward in any part of our lives and we can't understand why this has happened. For others, we get so good at doing this we even start to believe it and get locked into living driven, but strangely, often very materially successful lives in this way – both of these responses are at great cost to our inner self, that part which hides behind the mask.
Does that mean I'm mad?
Perhaps we are all a little mad, we live in a mad world - but sometimes things happen to us as we are growing up that we simply can’t cope with and we have to ‘forget’ or ‘switch off’ in order to carry on surviving. We promise ourselves that once we are grown up and in control of our own lives everything will be alright – we will leave the past where it belongs and just move on. So we pack it all away, seal it up in a ‘dustbin’ somewhere inside and get on with our lives.
Why doesn't that work?
For some it does, often for many years, for some a lifetime, but yet we never manage to quite keep the lid of that old dustbin securely sealed, it leaks! Those unprocessed experiences become like an invisible poison that seeps into our present lives and relationships often without our realising it.
We can’t understand why we find it difficult to have good relationships, stick to a job, finish a course, decide what we want to do with our lives and even if we do we just somehow never quite manage to get there no matter how hard we try. Or maybe work and our achievements and success in the outside world becomes our whole life to the exclusion of everything else and the very thing which initially made us feel better about ourselves becomes empty and impoverished because it's all we have and we gradually become aware that it isn't enough.
We get stuck and feel completely alone. For some of us this can get translated into physical symptoms, being ill, eating problems, wanting to harm ourselves or getting into situations and relationships where others hurt us or exploit us. We find ways to ‘numb out’ perhaps drinking, smoking, eating or spending too much, taking drugs or other risky kinds of behaviour, all to try and make ourselves feel better, but it only works for a moment.
How can just talking help?
Seems crazy but it does. Perhaps it is the exclusive space that is offered just for you and where someone else comes to really listen to what you are thinking and feeling without the need to judge you or tell you what you ought to do. Someone who is intent on understanding your world and the way you see and experience life and who will try to help you to think and understand your life experiences, how they might be affecting your life now, and what you might choose to change in order to live a fuller more satisfying life.
If you have any other questions or concerns you think I might be able to address do visit the FAQ page or send us an e-mail info@therapywestlondon.co.uk
